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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24014566">My Monsters are Real (and They're Trained How to Kill)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanAtHearts/pseuds/StitchNLich'>StitchNLich (GallifreyanAtHearts)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon-Typical Violence, Established Relationship, Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia Uses His Words, Light Angst, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:47:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,071</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24014566</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyanAtHearts/pseuds/StitchNLich</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaskier wants to know what really happened way back in Blaviken.  Geralt is not so sure he wants Jaskier to know.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>216</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>My Monsters are Real (and They're Trained How to Kill)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I absolutely cherry-picked characterization from the various canons because Geralt! Talks! To! Dandelion!!  Title is from Monsters by Shinedown.  I'm on tumblr at koshertaako.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Tell me about Blaviken.  The real story.”  That he does not take a blow to the face is probably a testament to how much Geralt cares for him.  Geralt’s eyes are closed, he’s on his back beside Jaskier, who is laying on his side, tracing one finger in meaningless shapes on Geralt’s chest.  He had felt it when Geralt had flinched.</p><p>“Hm.  How about not.”  Jaskier can feel Geralt’s chest vibrate when he speaks.  It sends a tingle through his arm and down his spine.  He’s not deterred.</p><p>“Yes, yes, I know you don’t like to talk about it, or talk, really, but… it’s only that I can see how it follows you, and how it eats you inside whenever it is mentioned, or when someone refers to you as… Well.”</p><p>The question is not apropo of nothing.  He had spent over an hour washing the smell of beer from Geralt’s hair earlier in the evening, and blood off of his own sleeve from when he broke a plate over the head of the man who had thrown his drink at Geralt.</p><p>Geralt rolls to face Jaskier and he searches Jaskier’s face for a moment.  Jaskier is not sure what he is looking for, but he seems to find it, because he leans forward into Jaskier’s space to rest his forehead on Jaskier’s bare shoulder.</p><p>“You will tell me, someday, dearest heart.”</p><p>“Perhaps I will, bard, perhaps I will.  But not tonight.”  He presses his lips to Jaskier’s clavicle.  “Tonight it is enough to know that you don’t see me as others do.” </p><p>Jaskier shivers again, because that one honest admission is, from Geralt, a rare and treasured declaration of trust and care.</p><p>Jaskier allows the conversation to rest, for the evening at least, but it is a while before the men themselves give in to such rest.  </p>
<hr/><p>“It’s not a pretty tale, Jaskier.”  Geralt says, from nowhere, after hours of companionable silence.  The wilderness around them seems itself to react to the disruption of the stillness, and Jaskier stops cold in his tracks.  Geralt keeps walking, leading Roach through the uneven terrain with a delicacy that no longer surprises or baffles Jaskier.  “It’s not like one of yours.”</p><p>It takes Jaskier only a moment to understand - or to hope he understands - what Geralt is referring to.</p><p>“I had surmised as much,” Jaskier says, resuming walking, and quickens his pace to catch up with Geralt.</p><p>“Why then do you so badly wish to hear it?”</p><p>Jaskier impulsively grabs at Geralt’s arm, holding onto him as they walk.  Geralt, somehow seeming to never get used to Jaskier’s desire for closeness, looks at Jaskier strangely.</p><p><em> I want to know everything about you </em>.  Jaskier doesn’t say.</p><p><em> Because I want to reassure you that you are not a monster, </em> he also doesn’t say.</p><p>
  <em> Because I want to heal all your hurts, </em>
</p><p><em> Because I love all the parts of you, the whole history of you, even what you hate, because they make you you </em>.</p><p>No way he can phrase it will make it something Geralt will understand, so he just hugs Geralt’s arm, and they walk like that for almost a mile.</p>
<hr/><p>Jaskier does not bring it up again for a few weeks.  He knows that even the little Geralt has said in the topic was more than he had wished too, and had been an extension of trust to the bard.  Jaskier tries not to think about it, but as is often the case, the deliberate attempt to focus on other things inevitably finds him considering the sore subject. </p><p>It takes Herculean self-control not to prod, but Jaskier manages to not mention it.  At least until it comes up again naturally, in the form of that accursed moniker that Jaskier loathes nearly as much as Geralt does.</p><p><em> The </em> Butcher <em> of </em> Blaviken <em> is lucky to be paid at all.  You’ll take what I’ve given you and be on your way. </em></p><p>It had only been by Geralt’s greater strength that Jaskier had not done something they would have regretted.  Well, that Geralt would have regretted, as Jaskier would cheerfully have maimed the man and suffered the consequences with a smile and a song.</p><p>He holds tightly to Geralt, his face pressed into Geralt’s side.  He wants to mention the earlier incident, now that they’ve vacated the hostile little village, but remains silent.  He can hardly bear it, but the idea of ruining with ugliness this small moment of peace he hopes he has brought Geralt is worse.</p><p>“Ask.”  Geralt says in an even hum, and Jaskier lifts his face to peer at Geralt curiously.  “I know that you’re thinking it.  Ask what you will, songbird.”</p><p>A little thrill runs down Jaskier’s spine, as it always does, when Geralt quietly rumbles the sweet pet name </p><p>“I am thinking that I don’t want to spoil this.”  Jaskier puts his head back down, this time on Geralt’s chest.  After a moment, Geralt pushes his fingertips through Jaskier’s hair and Jaskier purrs with the small delight of it.</p><p>“You will never cease to amaze me, Jaskier.”</p><p>He can hear the slow, steady rhythm of Geralt’s heart under his ear.  He sighs blissfully.</p><p>“How so?” </p><p>“Fishing for compliments?”</p><p>“Me? Ha! Never.”  But Jaskier lifts his head just enough to wink at Geralt, and he presses a kiss over Geralt’s heart on the way back to his previous position.  The heart in question is now beating just a shade beyond resting.</p><p>“You are an odd creature, songbird.  First you want to know what happened in Blaviken, but when I am willing to tell you, you refuse to ask.”</p><p>Jaskier props himself up again and settles on an elbow.</p><p>“Of <em> course </em> I want to know what happened but it’s all about <em> timing </em> , Geralt.  If you were to tell me when you were upset - no, don’t give that look, I know you <em> far </em> too well for that - you would have found catharsis in it.  Did they teach you about catharsis in your scary witcher school?  I suppose not.  Well, telling me now will just bother you all over again.”</p><p>Geralt is smiling fondly at him by the time he finishes speaking and Jaskier is rather flustered by it.</p><p>“You are… Confounding.”  Geralt tucks a lock of Jaskier’s hair back into place and the bard smiles happily, leaning into the touch.</p><p>“I have to keep you interested somehow.”  He says lightly, but Geralt responds by pulling Jaskier closer and holding tightly.  Geralt does not say anything, but Jaskier understands anyway.</p>
<hr/><p>Jaskier is not looking at Geralt, is sitting with his back to him.  He has his arms around his lute, like a child with a comforting doll, but he can’t bring himself to strum more than a few chords, and so he is staring off into the woods, trying not to cry.  Geralt is still asleep, a few feet away, his arm still in the position it had been in around Jaskier.</p><p>Jaskier is trying not to take it personally.  He knows, conceptually, that his witcher is much older than he will ever live to be, but it is a difficult thing to internalize.  Even more difficult is to be confronted with evidence of past lovers, which again he <em> understands </em> that Geralt must have had but - </p><p>“Renfri-” the name slips past Geralt’s lips again, hoarsely, in his sleep.  </p><p>Jaskier winces.  He had been almost asleep the first time, relishing the tenderly protective embrace in which Geralt, already sleeping, held him, until, well.  He said another’s name.  Jaskier does not begrudge Geralt his past, he certainly has his own, perhaps even to rival Geralt’s, but he cannot help feeling sick over it, and feeling guilty for being upset in the first place.</p><p>He picks a discordant note on his lute and it twangs aggressively and he hears Geralt grunt.  He peeks behind him and Geralt is blinking awake, curling and relaxing the hand he had had on Jaskier, as he takes in his absence.</p><p>“Jaskier?” Geralt’s voice is as soft as it ever is, curious, beckoning, even.</p><p>“What were you dreaming about, Geralt?”  He gently returns his lute to its case, slowly, methodically, and only then turns around.  Geralt is looking at him, expressionlessly.</p><p>“Nothing I would prefer to relive while awake.”  Geralt’s tone is firm, but he’s reaching for Jaskier.</p><p>“Who is Renfri?”  Jaskier seats himself cross-legged on the ground, next to Geralt, not quite close enough for the witcher to touch him.</p><p>Geralt stops reaching, and he huffs an exhale through his nose.  He rolls away from Jaskier onto his back and stares at the sky, with a hum that Jaskier can’t decipher.</p><p>“Someone I couldn’t save.”  Geralt finally says.</p><p>Jaskier’s heart breaks.  He feels petty.</p><p>“Oh, <em> Geralt </em>,” Jaskier sighs.  He crawls closer to Geralt, tries to slot himself into his usual spot in Geralt’s side, but Geralt does not move his arm appropriately and a lump forms in Jaskier’s throat.</p><p>He tries to act undeterred, though he feels crushed, and he collapses on top of Geralt’s chest, sprawling.  He looks down at Geralt, whose expression is inscrutable, and he combs his fingers through Geralt’s hair.</p><p>“Jaskier - ”</p><p>“Forgive the inquisition, my darling,” Jaskier whispers.  “I didn’t mean to stir up bad memories.”  Geralt’s expression softens and he encircles Jaskier in his arms.  His heart unclenches and he lays his head on Geralt’s chest and his eyes flutter closed, suddenly so exhausted.</p><p>“If you heard the name Renfri, then you know that you did not stir up the memories, songbird.”</p><p>“Well, I certainly wasn’t <em> comforting </em>.”</p><p>“I am a <em> witcher </em>, Jaskier, I hardly need comforting after a bad dream.”  Jaskier opens his eyes and pulls back, forcing Geralt to loosen his arms.</p><p>“Just because you may not <em> need </em> comforting does not give me the right to - to make it <em> worse </em>.”  He meets Geralt’s eyes, hoping his lover can see his sincerity, his regret.</p><p>“You could never make it worse, songbird.”  He gently pulls Jaskier back down against his chest.  He feels Geralt sigh with content more than he hears it, and he closes his eyes again.</p>
<hr/><p>“Please leave it be, Jaskier.”  Geralt’s fingers are circling his wrist, gently holding him back.  Jaskier could break the grip if he wanted to, Geralt always makes sure of that.</p><p>“You don’t have to take this, Geralt.”  Jaskier says, exasperated and Geralt looks away.</p><p>“Hmph.  For me, songbird, just don’t.”</p><p>Something about the quiet tone of Geralt’s voice convinces Jaskier to stay in his seat and ignore the drunk men shouting obscenities and the most obscene of all, that word, <em> butcher </em>, across the inn.  They eat mostly in silence, in unspoken agreement to finish quickly and hurry to their room.</p><p>The drunk men do eventually quiet when they get no satisfying reaction but Jaskier is happy to be out of the common area regardless.</p><p>Once they reach the relative safety of their rented room, Jaskier sighs.  He gently places his lute case near the bed and sits heavily.</p><p>“Can you believe I didn’t get to play so much as a single song?” he huffs and the smallest of smiles breaks through Geralt’s closed off expression.</p><p>“You could have, you could even go back.  It was not you they wanted gone.” </p><p>“<em> What </em> !?” Jaskier squawks and sputters, “how could you suggest - and <em> leave </em> you - they don’t <em> deserve </em> me - ”</p><p>Geralt’s mouth is on his, his hands holding his face.</p><p>“<em> I </em> don’t deserve you,”  Geralt growls in his ear after the kiss exhausts itself.  “And as such, I will <em> not </em> be the thing that prevents you from doing what you love.”</p><p>“<em> You </em> are what I love.”  Jaskier’s voice is breathy from the kiss, and he is trying to work up indignance, but it’s not working.</p><p>“Jaskier -”</p><p>Jaskier winds his arms around Geralt’s neck and kisses him, because two can play at this game.</p>
<hr/><p>Geralt has blood on his face, and it is not his own.  At least, Jaskier thinks - <em> hopes </em> - it is not his own.  Geralt is expressionless, but for the tense flare of his nostrils, even as he catches sight of Jaskier, who launches himself at the witcher.</p><p>“<em> Not here </em>.” Geralt hisses through clenched teeth, even before Jaskier can touch him, and something about his tone makes Jaskier listen.  “We’re not staying here tonight.”</p><p>“Yes, right, great.”  Jaskier can barely grab his lute and count coins to pay for the several drinks he’d gone through during the rather suspiciously long while Geralt had been gone, supposedly just to make sure Roach was stabled.</p><p>Roach is rather not stabled, but hastily tethered outside and with her reins in hand, together, bard and witcher, they make a terse, hasty path towards the edge of town.</p><p>Not hasty enough.  Jaskier had thought none would be so stupid as to follow a witcher as he walks into a woods, but they are being followed, and he can hardly hear the jeers over the pounding, furious rush of his own blood in his ears.</p><p>He feels it though, not contact, but the air rush past him as Geralt flings out his arm behind Jaskier’s head.  Almost the same instant, Jaskier hears a dull thud, and then a crunch.</p><p>“Don’t turn ‘round.  And don’t stop walking.”  Geralt orders through his teeth, but Jaskier does look down and sees the fist sized rock settling itself in the dust.  Jaskier is seized with fury.  </p><p>“Those <em> fucking </em> -”</p><p>Geralt has to yank Jaskier’s arm - not hard, never hard - to prevent him from wheeling around.</p><p>“They weren’t aiming for you.  Let it go.”  </p><p>“And that somehow makes it <em> better </em>?”  Jaskier’s voice rises in shrill rage.  Geralt sighs heavily and before Jaskier has even a chance to begin to say what he thinks, Geralt hauls him over his broad shoulder, and continues walking.</p><p>Facing the angry rabble of peasants, Jaskier flips an obscene gesture and shouts insults that make Geralt snort, but notes that as they approach the town border, they are no longer followed.  He catches sight of one man spitting on the ground before distance and darkness collaborate to prevent Jaskier from seeing anymore.</p><p>If he were less, or perhaps <em> differently </em>, worked up, he would be appreciating all the fine and delicious details of being carried by Geralt, but instead -</p><p>“You can put me <em> down </em>, Geralt.”</p><p>“Hm.”</p><p>And so Geralt does, and then has to catch Jaskier with an arm around his middle to prevent him from making a break.  Jaskier pretends to tussle, and it ends with Jaskier in a fit of laughter and Geralt’s tense expression melting into a fond smile.  Jaskier heaves a sigh of relief.  He takes Geralt’s arm, and they walk until Geralt finds a suitable clearing to make camp.</p><p>By the time he is preparing for sleep, Jaskier thinks the ordeal is behind them, but he catches Geralt tense when he thinks he is not looking.  He mentally scans through ideas for method of approach, but Geralt speaks first.  He is lying on his back, staring at the sky.</p><p>“Jaskier.”  Geralt speaks so quietly that he barely could hear, even from the few feet away where he is dousing the last embers of the fire.</p><p>“Yes, my darling?”  Jaskier finishes with the fire and sits next to Geralt, who wraps an arm around his waist.</p><p>“Never ask me about Blaviken again.”</p><p>“Now wait just a-” Jaskier sputters, but Geralt cuts him off.</p><p>“Never.  If you care for me at all.”  Geralt’s voice is quiet but sharp.</p><p>“Of <em> course </em> I care for you, how could you even imply such a thing!”  Jaskier’s indignance overpowers his curiosity, but he’s also sad, because he knows that he will always have to work to convince his love that he is worth loving.</p><p>“That <em> that </em> is your takeaway from my request-”  Geralt sighs, in what Jaskier thinks might be <em> relief? </em> and closes his eyes.  “I could not bear it.  If you turned on me.  If you were to call me a monster, to call me-Fuck.”</p><p>Jaskier recognizes the swear as Geralt reaching the end of what he is able to articulate of his thoughts, and he lies down and tucks himself so close into Geralt’s side that he may as well be a second skin.</p><p>“I love you, Geralt.  There is nothing in the repertoire of things you are capable of doing that could make me stop.  There is nothing that the man I know and cherish - that’s you, darling - could have done within the limits of your own morality - and I know you have it, you can’t hide from me - that could cause me to turn on you.”  Jaskier nuzzles his face into the side of Geralt’s ribs, and he feels the arm around him tighten, tighten, to the point that it hurts, but in a way that makes Jaskier feel safe.  Comfort to the brink of pain, and Jaskier can barely spare the thought to hope he won’t bruise, because Geralt would never forgive himself.</p><p>“The real monster of Blaviken is in your mind,” Jaskier whispers.  “It’s the voice trying to convince you that you are what people think you are.”</p><p>“I’m supposed to be good at slaying monsters.”  There is a hint of bitterness in Geralt’s voice.</p><p>“And you are, but this is a monster of a sort not covered in your witcher schooling, I’m afraid.”  Jaskier pets Geralt’s chest soothingly.</p><p>“I think perhaps… You are more equipped to handle this one.”  Geralt’s sounds raw, and hoarse, almost metallically so.</p><p>“Perhaps, but perhaps it is not my place.  If you don’t wish me to know what happened in… Well, I won’t pry.”</p><p>“Not only is it your place, you are the only one, I think, who could even make such an attempt.”  Geralt sighs deeply and Jaskier hugs him back from tucked into his position against Geralt’s body.</p><p>And then the story comes spilling out.</p><p>And Jaskier holds his lover as he chokes on words and names, soothes him, reassures him.  He lets Geralt speak at his own pace, never interrupts.</p><p>And when he is done, Jaskier hugs him, so tightly that perhaps he might even bruise Geralt, and he tells the witcher that he loves him.  That he did his best in a situation with no favorable outcome.  That he loves him.  That he is not a monster, a <em> butcher </em>.  That he loves him.</p><p>When Geralt recovers his breath and composure, he tells Jaskier that he love him too.</p><p>It is the first time he says it out loud.</p>
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